It’s Not Another “Chicken and the Egg” Story; Or Is It?
We’ve all heard the metaphor and probably used it ourselves at some point in time, ‘Which came first the Chicken or the Egg?’ It’s a causality dilemma used to describe any situation where it’s not clear which of two things is the cause and which is the effect.
Ok so it is another “Chicken and the Egg” story. My dilemma – I’m finding an increasing number of people using the words worthiness and confidence interchangeably and this got me thinking - do you need confidence to feel worth? Or do you need to feel worth before you can be confident?
It’s certainly not difficult to identify if you believe you are unworthy; can you answer yes to two or more of these statements?
I feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when people compliment me.
I don’t see myself equal to others, especially those with higher power, authority or status than me.
I put everyone else’s needs before my own.
I’m afraid of being judged by others.
What others think about me is more important than what I think about myself; I must be liked.
If bad things happen to me, the voices in my head say, “well it’s your own fault, your deserved it”.
If I make a mistake, the voices in my head say, “you idiot, how stupid are you, what on earth made you think that would work, you always stuff things up”.
Worth and confidence are very closely intertwined, but they are not the same. You can certainly feel confident and have moments of confidence without worth, but they are fleeting. Remember my story about the Great Wall of China [https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/lessons-from-great-wall-china-kathryn-maggs/]. Without a sense of worth, that belief ‘I am enough’, you are continually walking up and down the Great Wall of Confidence; up on a confidence high to fall into a confidence low, then up on a confidence high, then fall, then rise (you get the picture). It’s exhausting!
More importantly without a sense of worth, your confidence is built on and controlled by external factors; what people think and say about you, if you are being invited to events or meetings, are they judging me, how are they labelling me? You are no longer being your true authentic self, instead living by others expectations and social norms.
In her world-renowned research on vulnerability and shame, completing 1000’s of interviews and analysing even more data points, Brene Brown identified those people who live ‘wholehearted’ lives, who truly feel and believe they are worthy, allow themselves to be vulnerable. They know they are not perfect and don’t try to hide it; they know they are not perfect and still believe they are worthy.
“Vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence.”
If her research confirms the cornerstone of confidence is vulnerability; then her research also confirms worth is the foundation of confidence, because you cannot live with genuine vulnerability without a sense of worth.
When you have a sense of self-worth, you will still experience confidence highs and lows, but the lows won’t be as low or as long lived. Self-worth provides a solid foundation to fall back on, a foundation based on internal influences, a belief that you are enough. When you have a sense of self-worth you demonstrate more courage, compassion and find it easier to connect with others.
Courage to be you; to speak up and share your stories, ideas, and opinions, to act on your dreams and make your own path.
Compassion firstly for yourself and for others; allowing you to be open to different perspectives and situations, show empathy.
Connection; seeing everyone as equal, belief you have value to give and share, a willingness to openly accept feedback and grow.
Here’s 5 steps on how to improve your self-worth:
Accept your imperfections, we all have them and they are what make us who we are. You could say they are what make us perfect.
Know your strengths and the value you bring to every interaction and every relationship.
Show compassion and be kind to yourself. If you accept your imperfections then you accept that you will stuff up and that’s ok; take control of that self-talk and make it work for you.
Teach, volunteer, mentor or coach – there is no better way to feel worth than by giving back to others, sharing your knowledge, skills and lessons.
Sharpen your sword – as coined by Stephen Covey in his #1 best seller “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, never stop learning and growing. Continue to develop and build upon your strengths in all aspects of your life.
“People simply feel better about themselves when they are good at something.”