Living Authentically Means to Live Outside of Social Norms
Have you even been involved in amateur theatre or film production? I remember in High School (which wasn’t that long ago J) I would always audition for the school musical, never a lead role as I didn’t have the confidence. But I loved the excitement, the costumes, the sets, the music, the make-up and hair, and making connections with people you would not ordinarily associate with at school.
It was the closest thing I can imagine to be a puppet and the director, producers, choreographers the puppeteers. From the moment you step foot on the stage and the curtains open, the true authentic YOU disappears; your every movement is now controlled by others. Where you stand, how you stand, how you move about the stage and where you move to, what you say and when, how you talk, when to laugh, cry, your facial expressions, your appearance, what you wear. You become everything that everyone else wants you to be, including the audience who gets caught up in the story, up until the final bow. The moment you leave the stage and remove your costume is when you become YOU again.
How often does this theatrical world play out in real life? Where the directors, producers and choreographers are our friends, family, colleagues, and societal norms set by different communities we are part of; school, religious, sporting, etc. All with their own set of expectations of who you are and who you should be; how you should behave, dress, look, speak and act.
Throughout life, every social situation you find yourself in and every community or culture you choose to be part of has a set of “unspoken” (sometimes spoken) rules and expectations that, if you want to fit in and belong, you need to “toe the line” and conform to. These expectations even vary based on your gender. I have spoken to many people who have felt the pressure of living to social norms and the expectations (or perceived expectations) of others. The struggle felt to meet these expectations and the needs of others over their own, me included. And both men and women feel this pressure, no one is exempt.
And to what purpose does it serve, other than to make others happy. But when you are living your life according to other’s expectations it creates internal conflict as you argue with yourself … “I don’t want to do this, I don’t enjoy it. But it will make someone you love happy, so just do it. But I really don’t like it. I know but that’s what a good mother/daughter/son/ father would do”. Sound familiar? And with time you feel resentment towards those you are pleasing, you become discontent at work, in your relationship, at home. Something is missing and you are unhappy and unfulfilled. And moreover, you continually feel like you’re failing to meet those expectations anyway, which creates anxiety and disappointment in yourself.
But when you’re living your life according to other’s expectations, you’re never really being true to who you are; being your true authentic self. The research clearly shows that living authentically increases happiness, emotional intelligence and psychological well-being. So why would any of us want to rob ourselves, or anyone else, of happiness?
“High levels of authenticity correlates with satisfaction of life and psychological well-being”
We all have a choice to make in this stage production called “Life”; do we want to be an Actor or the Director? This is what I’ve learned about living a life as an Actor and the difference when making the choice to become a Director, living life as my authentic self (side note, at times I feel I still have my training wheels on, it’s a process):
No matter how much you try to make everyone happy all the time, you won’t. And in the process of trying to be everything to everyone you become exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. Some even become a ghost of their former self, simply going through the motions.
To live your life to the expectations of others, at the expense of you, is a cop out and it’s selfish. At its core you are allowing yourself to be the victim, it is easier to relinquish control of your outcomes to others, than to take control and honour yourself.
Before you can truly be your best for others, you must be true to yourself. When you run on empty (see point 1) you don’t have the energy or psychological capacity to be at your best and give your best, disappointing yourself, other or both.
You don’t become self-centred, self-absorbed or egotistical when you choose to be your authentic self. It’s the total opposite. Simply because you are experiencing feelings of content and fulfillment, you build the energy and psychological capacity to be and give your best.
Decision making no longer causes anxiety or internal conflict. Decisions are made with a sense of peace and harmony as you are now making them based on what you truly value and what is important for you NOT others.
And possibly MOST importantly, you still belong.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
“Oklahoma” my first high school musical. No hints required …. it was the 80’s!
