Who Have You Been Comparing Yourself To? Do We Have Comparison All Wrong?
According to Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory, we are naturally meant to compare ourselves to others, and we are supposedly wired to do this, so as to help us make an accurate assessment of ourselves. Comparison provides us with a benchmark, the ability to see what is possible. We see others being successful and achieving great things, the same type of success we want to achieve, which inspires us and motivates us to try harder; to be better.
But when you compare yourself to others and attempt to follow someone else’s footsteps; imitating their success, you are not being your authentic self. You are trying to become a better version of someone else. Someone else who has different skills, strengths and experiences than you. Which can ultimately result in failure, a feeling of being ‘less than’ or ‘unworthy. In fact, research shows that social comparisons actually lead to feelings of insignificance and insecurity, it harms trust and results in low self-confidence.
It would be like a Dove comparing itself to a Vulture; although they are both bird species, they have evolved and adapted to different habitats, utilising very different skills and strengths to ensure survival. If a Dove was to compare itself to a Vulture, aspiring to be a Vulture; no matter how hard it tries, or how much it changes its behaviour, a Dove cannot be a Vulture. It'll continually fail to reach that desire, that dream.
Comparison is one of the key behaviours that leads to low confidence and self-esteem, and it starts at a very early age. We start comparing ourselves to our siblings; they behave a certain way and are praised, so we copy them to try and recreate what they do to receive the same response from our parents. When we reach school age, we start comparing ourselves against our peers, and then as we get older and are exposed to more images and information via different media forms, we start comparing ourselves to movie stars, models, pop starts etc. So, by the time we finish school and enter the workforce, we naturally continue to compare ourselves against our colleagues.
“Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle”
When I started my own business, and was learning about the importance of utilising social media, I found I was interacting and connecting on social media more than I ever had previously in my life. And I found myself constantly comparing myself to everyone else out there, creating all forms of self-talk; ‘Oh My God, she’s amazing, I’m nowhere near her level’, ‘I can never be as good as …’, ‘With all these amazing people out there, why would anyone seek me out’ etc; scroll and repeat; scroll and repeat. But then at the beginning of Summer last year during one of my self-defeating ‘scroll and repeat’ moments on social media, it dawned on me – I was right, I wasn’t all those people I was constantly comparing myself to. I AM ME, I have my own value, strengths and skills gained from 30+ years of my own personal life and corporate experience that I bring to every interaction, which is different to everyone else’s, and that gives me a ticket to play. I also have my passion, my humour and my curiosity which makes me even more unique.
I realised I was being the dove trying to compare myself to the vulture, and it just didn’t make any sense. So, I don't do that anymore, and I’ve seen an immediate lift in my mood; I’m happier, more confident in my abilities, and have an improved sense of creativity.
“Now I only compare myself to ME, to the person I was yesterday. And strive to be a better version of me today, than I was yesterday.”
Here are five steps you can do today to stop comparing:
Stop comparing! I know it sounds easy, right? But you are YOU and you need to celebrate your strengths, your experiences and what makes you unique.
Self-reflection. Find 5 minutes a day or 15 minutes a week during your commute from work and congratulate yourself on 3 things that went well that day/week; then consider 3 things that you could do differently next time to improve the result.
Limit external influences. YES that means social media, television, beauty magazines etc, do whatever you need to do to remove the temptation of comparison.
Understand your strengths, be clear on the things you do that brings value to the people in your life.
Do something that you're passionate about. It helps detach you from the world of comparisons and reinforces your strengths, your being.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.