Why Perfectionism Is Like A Debilitating Disease That Needs To Be Managed
Have you personally experienced or watched someone close to you suffer from a degenerative disease? Quite often, the initial signs of the disease are subtle, you may not even know anything is wrong; dismissing the signs for stress, tiredness or age. But as the disease worsens the symptoms don’t go away, they worsen too or even more symptoms present themselves. Slowly, the disease takes over your entire life; it impacts your ability to work, your social activities, how you get around, your independence, it changes the entire way you live your life. It’s impact spreading into the lives of those close to you; your family and friends.
So Too Is Perfectionism A Disease.
Usually presenting itself in one aspect of your life, perhaps during schooling or your first job. Not wanting to be embarrassed for being wrong, making a mistake, being caught out for not being the expert, or perhaps simply to uphold a reputation for quality. So, you meticulously work harder and harder to ensure it’s perfect, you’re perfect. Before you know it, this perfectionism starts to creep into other aspects of your life. Before entertaining guests you’re running around like a mad person because the house must be spotless, the dining table set perfectly, the meals restaurant quality and everything in its place; the perfectly risen and decorated muffins for the school bake sale (that took 4 attempts); your baby's first birthday cake, must be homemade but look professionally made, because that is what perfect parents do.
Just like a disease, perfectionism spreads and takes over your life and yes, even impacts all those around you.
Now I know what you are saying, ‘hang on a minute, but perfectionism’s good right? Perfectionists have high standards of work, they are optimistic, you can trust they will get the job done right, they produce high quality work and are usually very successful in their chosen career’. And you would be quite right in challenging me, but I ask you, at what cost?
I remember sitting in a Brisbane coffee shop back in 2012, having coffee with Lisa, a colleague I was mentoring at the time; and the look on her face when she had that ‘ah-ha’ moment. To set some context Lisa was a self-proclaimed perfectionist and people pleaser and she didn’t see any problems with that. Why? Because it got her to where she was at that point in time: a straight ‘A’ student, Dux of her year, a University degree with honours, a successful career, socially popular – you get the picture. But at that very moment Lisa realised …
YES, she has high standards of herself. BUT in her eyes, she often doesn’t meet those expectations and feels like a failure, mentally beating herself up about how she could have been better. And to those close to her she is untouchable, a super hero, leaving them feeling they could be more, do more.
YES, she is pleasant and optimistic. BUT she doesn’t always feel like being pleasant and optimistic, it’s a mask she wears because it is what others expect from her.
YES, she is trusted to get the job done, and done right. BUT she works long hours consistently – she’s usually the first one to arrive, the last to leave and working weekends.
YES, her work is high quality. BUT she is never fully satisfied with her results and she spends too much time in the detail, resulting in things taking significantly longer than her colleagues and impacting their outcomes due to delays.
YES, she is successful at work. Yes, she works hard to make sure she produces high quality work and can be counted on. This results in her being trusted with more responsibility and more complex roles.
YES, she a good daughter, sister and friend. She is always there for them, putting their needs before her own.
Most Importantly NO, she isn’t content, fulfilled and happy with life. In fact, most of the time she is afraid.
Perfectionism is an impossible task and at that very moment, over coffee, Lisa realised how exhausted and unhappy she was. That she had been “perfect” for so long she couldn’t even remember when she had created these unrealistic expectations, but that these where now the expectations others had of her and she felt obliged to live up to them. So why was she afraid? Afraid of judgement, afraid that if she failed people wouldn’t respect her, that she didn’t added value to their world, that she wasn’t worthy or good enough for their friendship or love.
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: if I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame”
Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston has spent sixteen years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is also the Author of four #1 New York Times bestsellers and her TED talk The Power of Vulnerability is one of the top 5 most viewed TED talks in the world with over 30 million views. Through her research on vulnerability Brene describes perfectionism as a shield used to hide and disguise our vulnerabilities, protect us from suffering the pain of judgement, blame or shame. She states that perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or self-improvement, it’s about earning approval from others; external approval. Perfectionists grow up being praised for achievement, compliance and performance and this turns into the belief ‘I am what I achieve and how well I achieve it’.
“There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
How do you begin to manage the perfectionist in you?
Accept you have a problem: Can perfectionism be useful? Yes, however understand that at its extreme it is a self-destructive disease that will always leave you exhausted, emotionally drained and unfulfilled when others can’t provide the affirmations you need.
Understand the impacts your behaviour has on others: Perfectionism isn’t just about you. It’s the unrealistic expectations you are role modelling, it’s the missed deadlines impacting your work colleagues, it’s your partner, children being at the end of your frustration when things don’t go as planned.
Mistakes are a gift: Imagine the true growth possible, how much you can learn and improve by reflecting on mistakes and learning from them – that is genuine excellence.
Give yourself permission to do things that are ‘good enough’: Start small and choose a few tasks that you give yourself permission to do quickly; because a perfectionist’s ‘good enough’ is damn good.
Be kind to yourself: When you understand perfectionism is really a protection mechanism and you choose to manage it; you are going to fail, feel inadequate and show vulnerability AND all of this is ok, because this is what makes us human, it makes us who we are. So, don’t ignore your emotions or mentally beat yourself up, be kind to yourself, you’re not alone.
BONUS #6. If you want freedom from perfectionism, you have to make the long journey from ‘What will people think?’ to ‘I am enough’ (courtesy of Brene Brown).
I'd love to hear your thoughts.